When my Close Friend Committed Suicide

It was an early morning call from an office colleague. I wondered if he had dialed my number by mistake and hesitantly said ‘Hello’.

It was a barely audible shaky voice from Sajid. “Good Morning Lakshmi. Sorry to call early a.m. But there is some terrible news”

“Oh My God What Happened? Are you Okay Sajid? And all in the family?” I queried anxiously

It was a time when bad news came in often. Of Covid-Positive detections, of Quarantine, Hospitalizations, and worse.

“No, it’s Giresh. He hung himself”, said Sajid

Rather stupidly I asked — “How is he now?”

“He passed away Lakhsmi, “said Sajid.

After the initial shock and disbelief, the question in my mind was “WHY?” We who thought who knew him well asked each other the same question….”But Why?” He had left Colleagues, Friends, and Family bewildered.

Why did Giresh a 34-year old doing fairly well in his job, who often spoke fondly of his wife, and had a large supportive extended family, choose to end his life?”

Jovial, sincere, and hardworking he made friends easily. Why didn’t he reach out to someone?

We were close. He was many years younger than me but we got on well. We discussed many things.

His frustration with his demanding petty boss. His elderly parents who lived by themselves in his native town. The need to balance his income and expenses as he was paying off a substantial home loan. Medical Expenses for infertility treatment.

On one visit home, he and his wife spoke about wanting to adopt a child. They had been married for 8 years and had been unable to have children. They were looking forward to bringing a little one home.

Yes, he Had problems or rather Concerns. Like All of us do. But he never seemed Over-Whelmed or Overly-Anxious or even Pessimistic. He would shake off minor upsets and become his upbeat self quickly. He was a doer and did not sit moping or wallowing in self-pity for long.

So Why did he give up?

Was it the times? Six weeks after the imposition of a nationwide lockdown at the height of the Covid pandemic, Giresh ended his life.

A time when all of us — his friends, colleagues, and neighbors lived in bubbles of panic and fear. A time when no one wanted to know about your ill-health. A time when a cough, a sneeze, or a loud clearing of the throat would be met with cautious, frightened looks. A time when you consulted doctors online or through your mobile. A time when you could not go for a walk in the streets.

Maybe our collective numbness and inertia in the face of the pandemic also contributed. We could have, I could have, reached out.

Regret, guilt, and unanswered questions remain.

But I get some sense of relief and continuity from the following excerpts from the oft-quoted John Donne’s poem ‘Holy Sonnet’:

Death be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so,

One short sleep past, we wake eternally.